


MAYBE NOT THEN, MAYBE NOT NOW

by nekonyoung



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Anal Sex, Angst, Break Up, Cheating, Hopeful Ending, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Mentions of osaaka, One Night Stands, Out of Character, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-21
Updated: 2020-08-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:28:53
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26025742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nekonyoung/pseuds/nekonyoung
Summary: Two full years. That’s what it took for Bokuto to honestly say that he’s okay. Though, at the back of his mind, he knows that he’ll never be complete again, that half of him was somewhere where Akaashi is and it will stay there for what he thinks is forever. And the only way to cope with that fact was to accept it. To accept that he’ll never be whole again, no matter whose lips he kissed, no matter how warm the arms would hold him.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou
Comments: 6
Kudos: 58





	MAYBE NOT THEN, MAYBE NOT NOW

**Author's Note:**

> This fic basically revolves around the song Slow Dancing in the Dark by Joji so I recommend listening to it as you read for extra feels lol.
> 
> Also, I'm not really used to writing nsfw stuff so I hope I can at least bring the scene to justice. Enjoy! ^_^

_**MAYBE NOT THEN, MAYBE NOT NOW** _

_‘So this is what falling out of love looks like.’_ Bokuto thinks, staring at Akaashi’s back as he sleeps soundly right next to him. There wasn’t much physical distance between them in the bed they’ve shared for so many years, but he thinks that if he reaches out, Akaashi will fade out into nothing and he’ll be left there asking questions with no answers. So, he stares until sleep finally visits him and he dreams of the warmer nights they’ve shared where Akaashi would sleep curled up around his arms and they both breathe in each other’s scents. He wakes up not even an hour later, Akaashi gone from where he once laid and Bokuto feels the panic rise up to his throat. He finds him in the balcony, halfway through his cigarette, looking at the sleeping city below him. “Keiji?” Bokuto mutters, peeking from the door, the younger man turns, a weak smile forming on his lips.

It’s probably been months since Bokuto first felt that there was something brewing in the depths of their relationship. On the surface, they look pretty normal, still following the routine they’ve always felt comfortable with. But when Bokuto squinted and looked closely, he saw the crack in the form of Akaashi feinting a smile or when his I love you fell flat on the ground like there wasn’t any substance left in those words that used to feel so warm to his ears. He asked once if there was something wrong but Akaashi only shook his head and gave him a half-hearted smile that doesn’t really reach his eyes. Initially, he thought it was a work thing, stress, or something that doesn’t really have anything to do with their relationship, thus the topic was dropped right after. It was only about a month and a half when Bokuto planned to surprise Akaashi to work one afternoon, holding a bouquet of white roses and gypsophila on one hand, and a box of Akaashi’s favorite red velvet cupcakes on the other. He was only a block away from his destination when he saw Akaashi at a café with 2 of his friends, laughing and talking brightly about something. It was the first time he saw Akaashi smile like that in four months since he first started seeing the crack. Four months of fake smiles and flat I love yous and rejected touches and kisses. Bokuto crosses the road, and left the flowers and the cupcakes to Akaashi’s office receptionist. He calls Kuroo to let him stay for the night to think.

The following afternoon, he comes home to an empty apartment. The flowers sat by Akaashi’s work desk still tied in a bouquet, and the cupcakes barely touched in the fridge. Half a year ago, every time Bokuto brings Akaashi flowers, he’d immediately place them in a vase and smile warmly at it. Now, Bokuto can’t even imagine the face Akaashi made when he received the flowers. He locks himself in the bathroom and cried and waits until his eyes have dried up and he became too tired to cry. It was around 6pm when Bokuto drags his feet to the cold bed and sleeps, he didn’t even hear Akaashi come in an hour later.

They both stood side by side at the balcony, staring nothing in particular. They were quiet, but not the kind of quiet they would sometimes share, where they’re both smiling and content. There was nothing in this silence but the cold and the metaphorical distance between them. Finally, tired of the quiet, Bokuto speaks, “Are you ok, Keiji?” The other half smiles and closes his eyes, “I’m fine. Just tired.” He doesn’t meet Bokuto’s eyes and he wonders if it’s because he’ll read through his eyes and before self-control could hold him back, Bokuto says, “of work…or of me?” This time, Akaashi meets his gaze, a hint of sadness flashed in his eyes and they stood there, unmoving, just looking at and through each other.

“Akaashi, you don’t need to hold back.” Bokuto says, “I’ve noticed it for months but I didn’t say anything because I was waiting for you to say something.” He brushes a thumb against Akaashi’s knuckles, gripping the railing like his life depended on it. Akaashi’s hand twitches away from his touch and he sighs. He’s gone. Bokuto finally lets the mask fall, allows the tears to stream down his cheeks, realizing that Akaashi may be here in front of him, but somewhere along the way, Bokuto lost his heart. He looks back at Akaashi and sees that the younger man is also crying, looking at him like he also finally realized that this might be the end for them. “I’m sorry.” Akaashi whispers, closing his eyes shut and holds himself as if seeking comfort. Hesitantly, Bokuto holds Akaashi close and tightens his hold like he doesn’t ever want to let go. “It’s okay. Maybe it’s just how it’s supposed to be, Akaashi.” The younger man faintly smells like cigarette and watermelon shampoo. They stayed there, holding each other close in the cold night, and Bokuto whispers, for the last time, “I love you so much.”

The following morning, Bokuto wakes up on an empty bed, a half empty apartment, a broken heart, and a small final note.

  
___________________________________

  
Healing took a lot of time and a lot of conscious effort to not call in the middle of a drunken night, of course, with the help of his friends. It was hard, having to force himself to fall into a new routine that doesn’t involve morning kisses, breakfast in bed two to three times a week, grocery shopping without someone linking their arm on him, Saturday night showers by himself, movie nights cuddled at the edge of their loveseat covered by 2 blankets staring at each other’s eyes instead of paying attention to the movie that was currently playing, nights where someone would caress his cheeks and call out his name drenched in sweat with their fingers intertwined even as they both sleep. It was hard not to think about the way Akaashi’s eyes would reflect only him, the way Akaashi would lean to his every touch, the way he would smile in content and whisper I love you and it would feel Bokuto’s heart with such warmth that he thinks he’ll burst in any moment. It was hard to listen to James Arthur’s Say You Won’t Let Go (Akaashi’s favorite song), and not think about how he would drag Bokuto in the middle of their living room and dance to it, their foreheads pressed together and Akaashi’s hands would travel all over his arms back to his neck, smiling and humming to the song. It was hard, when at night, Bokuto lies awake staring blankly at the ceiling, his hand gripping the cold sheets that Akaashi left empty after they broke up, only for the tears to come rushing and he’s left with a terrible ache on his chest.

Two full years. That’s what it took for Bokuto to honestly say that he’s okay. Though, at the back of his mind, he knows that he’ll never be complete again, that half of him was somewhere where Akaashi is and it will stay there for what he thinks is forever. And the only way to cope with that fact was to accept it. To accept that he’ll never be whole again, no matter whose lips he kissed, no matter how warm the arms would hold him. He’s surrendered a part of him to Akaashi, whether he accepts them or not, wasn’t ever an issue because Akaashi will forever own a huge part of him, and he’s learned to be okay with that. Two full years, spent on focusing on himself and his dreams and his work, and even got himself a kitten (as per Kuroo’s insistence) and called him Jiji. Kuroo only raised an eyebrow at the name and shrugs, and goes back to kissing the kitten on top of its head. Bokuto finds himself falling to a new routine that’s focused on himself, despite his friends trying to get him back to the dating scene, Bokuto would refuse. It isn’t fair, he thinks, to allow himself to love again knowing full well that whoever comes after a man like Akaashi Keiji would only fall flat in comparison. Akaashi was the man for him, that was a fact proven a long time ago, but he wasn’t the man for Akaashi.

___________________________________

“It’s time for you to go out and have fun for a change, Kou.” Kuroo said, munching on a mozzarella stick he stole from Bokuto’s plate. Bokuto glares in protest but was only met with a grin and wiggling eyebrows. He sighs, “Okay, when?” Kuroo pauses, and raised his eyebrow, “You weren’t listening to a word I said, were you?” He laughs, that obnoxious laugh that always got people staring wide-eyed at him. Bokuto was the only one who was immune enough to let that kind of laughter to die down, okay maybe not just him, but Kuroo’s fiancé, Tsukishima Kei, though he thinks that he’s just about had it with how loud Kuroo’s laugh goes. “I said, Tsukki and I are gonna have an engagement party at home. I was inviting you?” “Ah.” Bokuto hums, mind already flying away somewhere else. “I’ll be waiting on Saturday. If you don’t show, I’m not gonna stop ringing at your door until you get out of that damn apartment of yours.” Kuroo stands up and collects his own stuff, Bokuto waves his arm around in response.

Bokuto almost forgot how many friends Kuroo has until he finally arrives at the residence, a small gift in hand because he’s not really sure if it was an appropriate thing to do in parties like this. But with the blaringly loud music, and how packed Kuroo’s living room was, he’s not too sure if this was going to be like any normal engagement party. He finds Tsukishima huddled in a corner with some of his friends from work and passes the gift to him. He gives Bokuto a warm hug and drags him to the kitchen, telling him he can help himself to any of the available beverages they have. After a few conversations, Tsukishima leaves and Bokuto was left to wander around the party, looking for familiar faces he can hang out with. He finds Hinata and Kageyama by the pool, arguing about something like they always did back when they were younger. He makes his way back to kitchen and finds Oikawa and Iwaizumi making out by the kitchen counter. He briefly met them through Hinata before and they all instantly clicked. He sighs, walking back to the living room, hoping that there’s at least somewhere he can sit and rest his feet to. Upon arriving there, he was met with different colored lights flashing to the beat of the music. People congregate in the middle of the room, bodies rubbing against each other, drenched in sweat, and dancing along to the upbeat music. Bokuto sees Kuroo in the middle of the crowd, swaying along to the music, Tsukishima wrapped around in his arms, he screamed and laughed and Bokuto smiles seeing his best friend in one of the happiest days of his life. Pretty soon, the music something much slower, Kiss Me by Ed Sheeran, Bokuto mentally notes. On really good days, he would hear Kuroo humming to that song, smiling to himself while typing something on his phone. It was during the times when Tsukishima is especially forgiving to his shenanigans. He looks fondly at the couple, Tsukishima’s arms wrapped around Kuroo’s shoulders, the other’s wrapped around his waist. Tsukki places a chaste kiss on Kuroo’s nose, smiling from ear to ear as Kuroo sings along to the song. Other couples around them started entering the dance floor, each of them lost in the moment where only them and the person they’re holding close exist and everybody else fades into the background.

While watching the couples slowly swaying to the song, Bokuto notices a figure somewhere behind Hinata and Kageyama, staring right at him. His eyes widened as the dim light flashed at the person’s face, revealing Akaashi, softly smiling back at him. His eyes looked like they were in a daze, a tell-tale sign that he’s drank more than he could take that night. Akaashi wobbles towards him and trips when he was close enough for Bokuto to reach. Bokuto caught the younger man, arms wrapped around his waist. He hears Akaashi chuckling on his ear. “I missed this.” He mumbles and Bokuto could only stand there frozen. His eyes met with Kuroo who looks just as surprised at what’s happening in front of him. He looks down at Akaashi, whose arms are now wrapped around his shoulders, “I really do luv ur shoulders.” Calum Scott’s You Are the Reason muffled in the background. Akaashi rests his cheeks on Bokuto’s shoulder, like he always did on rainy afternoons, playing soft acoustic music, and humming the tune where only the two of them could hear. Bokuto could feel his lips quiver, his eyes sting, and his arms tightening its grip around Akaashi. Soon, the world stops, everything else is silenced to Akaashi’s steady breathing in his ear, sighing in contentment. Nothing else exists except Akaashi, still beautiful, still warm. In this moment, the star and the world orbit around each other again. Akaashi lazily looks up to him, heat burning behind his eyes, cupping Bokuto’s cheeks. “I miss you.” Akaashi whispers and Bokuto leans to his every touch, closing his eyes to savor the moment, burning the way Akaashi looks right now in his mind. Their lips meet, warm, soft, wet, and he could hear Akaashi humming to every movement Bokuto’s lips make. Their tongues dance to a melody only they know. But before Bokuto drowns to this sweet moment, he pulls away, making sure that Akaashi wasn’t a product of a daydream, and he wasn’t. He was there, in every physical sense and his eyes only saw him. Akaashi’s hands slides down to his and he feels himself getting dragged somewhere, where that is, Bokuto doesn’t really care anymore.

They’re back in Bokuto’s apartment now, kissing feverishly, hands sliding at every part they could reach, pushing each other close. They made their way to the bed they once shared, Bokuto’s back shivers at the contact with the cold silver silk sheets. Akaashi straddles him, pulling the oversized sweater over his head and Bokuto thinks he’s more beautiful than all the days and nights they spent together. He could feel a sting on his chest, but Akaashi’s hand was there holding his heart steady as he leans forward to kiss him. Bokuto faintly hears Slow Dancing in the Dark by Joji, possibly being played by one of his neighbors who puts it on repeat for some reason. His fingers trace the length of Akaashi’s spine to the dip of his back. He remembers he loves that feeling the most and he could feel Akaashi chuckling and smiling against his mouth, his hands unbuttoning Bokuto’s shirt. The older man pressing his thumbs against Akaashi’s nipples, earning a half moan half sigh, eyes closed and body grinding to his touch. Bokuto’s tongue twirling at the space on Akaashi’s neck just below his right ear, where Bokuto knows is one of his weak spots and Akaashi moans again, calling his name over and over as Bokuto’s tongue makes its way down to his collarbone, to his chest, tongue still moving in a circular motion. His hands travel down to Akaashi’s waist, holding the man steady on top of him as his tongue twirls around his nipple, Akaashi almost screams, breathless as he calls out Bokuto’s name, gripping his silver locks with one hand and nails digging on his shoulder. He pulls on the buckle of Akaashi’s belt, carefully positioning him on his back on the bed, fingers tracing circles on Bokuto’s cheek, thumb rubbing against his lips and Bokuto suck on it, eyes not leaving Akaashi’s as he pulls the other’s pants down. He leaves wet kiss on Akaashi’s stomach, down to his navel, then just above Akaashi’s happy trail and he could feel the man under him squirm in excitement, he smiles and leaves a chaste kiss on the tip of Akaashi’s dick. “Kou!!” Akaashi gasps, hands gripping on his hair again, “please.” He breathlessly pleads, spreading his legs further. Bokuto caresses Akaashi’s inner thigh, licking the length of the younger’s shaft, he could hear him moaning his name over and over, like a prayer, or a spell. Bokuto takes all of Akaashi in his mouth, sucking and pumping his cock, twisting his wrist in each motion. He lets Akaashi come in his mouth, the warmth spreading inside his mouth, and he swallows, “Kou, inside me please.” Akaashi mutters under his breath, still breathing heavily from his recent release. Akaashi reaches for the bedside table, pulling the drawer where they usually kept their lube and condoms in, Bokuto goes back to kissing and licking one of Akaashi’s nipples, not even stopping as Akaashi hands him the bottle of lube he received months prior from Kuroo while making jokes about at least scoring for a night or something. Bokuto squeezes the bottle, spreads it all over his hand, he looks over at Akaashi who seemed to be anticipating his touch, he steals a kiss which the other received with a chuckle, his skin shivers when he feels Bokuto pushing a finger on his rim. He sighs, as one of Bokuto’s fingers slide in and out, then two fingers enter, then three. Akaashi’s jaw drops, breathing to the beat of Bokuto’s movement inside him. He hisses, eyes meeting Bokuto’s and he whispers, “Kou, please.” Bokuto props himself up, positions himself in front of Akaashi, placing the younger’s legs on top of his shoulders. Bokuto rips a condom open and puts in on, then slowly, he enters, filling Akaashi to the brim and they both sigh. Bokuto leans forward, stretching Akaashi’s legs towards his chest and the other feels so full of Bokuto. Bokuto slides out slowly, maintaining eye contact with Akaashi, and slams back in, earning a loud groan from his partner. Bokuto maintains a steady rhythm, their names hover in the air as they call each other breathlessly, holding each other close, holding each other’s gazes. Pretty soon, Bokuto’s rhythm becomes erratic and he chants “Keiji, Keiji, Keiji…” like he was under a spell, and finally he reaches his peak, both of them, Akaashi’s release stick to their stomachs and they both smile in content. Bokuto leaves a deep kiss on Akaashi’s mouth as he pulls the other to the bathroom for a quick shower.

In the stillness of the night, they both lay in the bed, face to face, breath steady and Akaashi was the first one to fall asleep. Bokuto watches him, tracing circles around Akaashi’s arm. It feels surreal, to have the person who completes him sleeping peacefully beside him again, to hold him close, to kiss the palm of his hand, to feel him smile against his mouth. He replays everything in his mind again, a memory he’ll forever go back to, his thoughts were filled with Akaashi, how Bokuto’s name roll on his tongue, how beautiful of a melody it is to hear him call for his name, how warm his skin felt to the touch. He smiles to himself as he stands up to get himself something warm to drink. He sees Akaashi’s phone blinking on the bedside table, a name flashes on the screen, “Osamu” a picture of Akaashi in the background, kissing a man on the cheek. They both look so happy in the photo and Bokuto could feel his gut wrenching. He stood frozen there even as the screen dies down, indicating the caller hanging up. He looks at Akaashi sleeping soundly on his bed, and the tears fell, and the guilt enveloped him, like a blanket made of spikes and he could feel every single one prick his body. Jiji mews softly behind him, snapping him out of his thoughts. He picks up a pillow from his side of the bed, and a new blanket he took out of the cabinet. Jiji follows him to the living room, snuggling close to him as if knowing that he needs comfort above all else tonight. Soon, he falls asleep yet the guilt remains.

___________________________________

  
Bokuto wakes up with Jiji screaming on his face, an indication that he’s hungry and needs his breakfast. He sits up on the sofa, rubbing his eyes, Jiji’s screaming echoing in all four corners of his house. He follows the cat in the kitchen, “Yeah, Jiji, I hear ya.” He groggily mumbles, reaching for the cabinet where he keeps the cat food and treats. Jiji rubs himself around Bokuto’s leg, and the man finally bends over to give the cat his breakfast. He walks back to the living room, gathering the pillow and the blanket. There, he finally notices a small note with Akaashi’s handwriting on top of his coffee table. He opens it, and reads:

_**Kou,** _  
_**I’m sorry about last night. Can we talk?** _

Akaashi leaves his number on the bottom of the note. Still the same one he used before, probably thinking Bokuto has already deleted his number from his contacts. But even if that were the case, he still has the number memorized. Sometimes he would catch himself muttering the numbers under his breath still. Bokuto waits for another week before finally deciding to make the call. It was around lunch time, when Akaashi finally picks up the phone. Back then, just hearing the sound of Akaashi’s voice brings him warmth and comfort, today, as he listens to Akaashi’s voice, he could only feel guilt. “Akaashi.” He says quietly, like there was someone hiding there who could hear their conversation. He hears Akaashi gasp on the other end. They agreed to meet that weekend, in Bokuto’s apartment so to avoid any kind of crowd and Bokuto almost laughs in defeat, realizing his home has become a place for Akaashi to hurt him, doesn’t matter in what way, it just became that. He reluctantly agrees, just wishing for things to be over with.

Satuday came, sometime in the afternoon, Akaashi rings the bell, bringing some takeout chicken with him and a few of cans of beer. They sat quietly in Bokuto’s living room, both dreading the talk. Finally, Akaashi breaks the silence. “I’m sorry, Kou.” Bokuto scoffs, looking at Jiji sleeping soundly on his lap. He’s followed Bokuto the entire morning, and he thinks it’s because the cat could feel his anxiety rising with every passing hour. Now, they’re here in the living room. Jiji relaxes on his lap, falling asleep in a matter of minutes, Bokuto pets him absent-mindedly, really just needing something warm to hold in that moment to keep himself calm, Akaashi downs his 3rd can of beer, Bokuto barely touched it, even the chicken. “The last time you said that to me, you left. And I know, when this talk is over, you’ll also leave. Back then, maybe, I locked myself in the bathroom for hours and cried, but right now, I’m just angry, Akaashi.” Akaashi doesn’t meet his eyes. “What you did, it was unfair to Osamu.” Upon the mention of his name, Akaashi whips his head back to Bokuto, confusion filled his face. “I saw, that night, he was calling you. I saw the photo too.” Akaashi rubs his eyes in an attempt to wipe the tears away. He doesn’t meet Bokuto’s stare and looks at the can of beer he was holding. “I don’t know what to do.” He mumbles, but it was loud enough for Bokuto to hear. “Tell him, Akaashi.” The younger man shook his head, tears continue to roll down his cheeks and Bokuto wishes he can wipe them away. But refusing to hold or touch Akaashi would allow him to keep his self-control. He lost Akaashi two years ago, the only thing that remained were the memories that they both created, that was it. In the two years, Bokuto learned how to love himself again, how to accept the fact that Akaashi took a part of him away and there’s no way to complete him again. But right now, in this moment, Bokuto knows Akaashi needs to make a choice and learn how to stick to it. With another person in the picture, they can’t just restart everything together, and Bokuto can’t bear the thought that there’s someone who’ll get hurt because of their actions. Whatever Akaashi is thinking right now, he has no right to forgive him or not, his wounds have long been healed and regardless of how good it felt to relive the intimacy they shared once upon a time, Akaashi is no longer his nor he will be even after this, even when Akaashi chooses him. _Maybe not then, and maybe not now_ , Bokuto thinks. “I can’t tell him, Kou. If I tell him, he’ll leave.” Akaashi speaks, pulling Bokuto out of his reverie. “You don’t know that. But there’s one thing you DO know, Akaashi. We never worked out because we never talked. I know that now. If he loves you, and can love you more than he already has, he won’t leave. I’m sure of it.” Akaashi’s lips quiver, his eyes filled with unshed tears, he looks at Bokuto, “is that why? It was my fault, wasn’t it?” Bokuto wants to reach out so badly but he only leans forward and smile as warmly as he can to Akaashi, “It’s not too late to learn from the past.” “Why can’t it just be you, Kou?” Bokuto shrugs, “I always thought that you were the right person for me. It’s just that, I wasn’t the right one for you. Maybe, back then, wasn’t the right time. Maybe now still isn’t. But along the way, who knows.” Akaashi smiles sadly, finally letting the tears roll down his face, “Thank you.”

Akaashi leaves soon afterward, leaving memories both good and bed in the silence of Bokuto’s empty living room. He stares at the spot where Akaashi was just a few minutes ago, finally allowing the pain, the tears, the loneliness, to swallow him whole. He acknowledges the fact that he’s not completely healed yet, nor he thinks that he’ll ever be healed at all. But like what he told Akaashi earlier, only time can tell when he’ll finally be able to go. He whispers a small prayer for Akaashi, for Osamu to love him more than he already does, and maybe in time, learn how to forgive and love Akaashi for all his flaws and beauty.

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Twitter: @relifer_


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